Friday, April 04, 2008

We let down our guard

Last year at this time, ass acne awareness was higher than it had ever been. A popular Hollywood film entitled Thumbsucker had made reference to "assne," and it looked as though the days of shame were behind us. Everyone is talking about assne these days, we wrote last March.

Sadly, the days of awkwardness and giggling have returned. It seems our efforts to bring ass acne awareness to the fore came "too soon." The bill we lobbied so hard for failed to gain enough support and died in committee. The world (and Congress) were not ready for our message of hope.

We have begun advising our clients not to "come out" to friends and loved ones during these dark times. It seems it is best to keep your assne to yourself for the time being. An assne sufferer in South Carolina was teased mercilessly in the shower room of his high school, and he reported it to his vice principal, who responded "It's on your ass?" This is the depth of the ignorance with which we are confronted.

What can you do, besides run and hide? We have taken our campaign back inside and are organizing more massive mailings, as in the early days of this battle. It is dispiriting, but we will not give up. We will fight to end the teasing, the cruel jokes, and the towel snapping. Volunteers are desperately needed! Call or email Bing-Tak at Campaign Headquarters.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Our important work continues

Thanks to TAFAA, ass acne has gotten more exposure in the last year than ever before! Everyone is talking about assne these days. And we couldn't be happier. Our pamphleteering and door-to-door canvassing have made ass acne dinner conversation in millions of homes. Even if all that is ever said is Ew!, it is still preferable to the ignorance and indifference of before.

The truth is that many of those who profess indifference to ass acne awareness efforts are actually assne sufferers! Their shame is so great that, in order to hide their condition, they feign disinterest. Those sad, sick people!

Now that attitudes about assne are relaxing, more and more people are seeking the help they need. This disease is treatable, as Bing-Tak knows so well. If you are a sufferer, now is the time to talk to a family member or trusted friend. They are far less likely to tease you or humiliate you publicly. Contact local assne support groups or The National Assne Hotline. Help is just one awkward conversation away!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Ass acne hurts

Both literally and figuratively. Forget everything you have read in the press. The news reports and Nova episodes are misleading. Assne, though frequently non-scarring and treatable, still causes suffering, and those with the disease need your support.

Tell them that you understand that what they are going through is difficult and that you are there for them. That's all they need to hear. Assne is not contagious and they will not ask you to touch their butt! These are misconceptions.

If you have any questions, please call The National Assne Hotline at 800-235-ACNE or The Skin Care Line at 800-527-5448. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Concern for ass acne's image spreads

as ass acne spreads. Statistically, ass acne is up 23.4% in the last decade. This has been attributed to the computer revolution which, though it has given us unrivaled access to information via the World Wide Net, has resulted in a lot of people sitting on their asses (the number one cause of assne).

And though we have tried through our many campaigns to get the word out that ass acne is a non-scarring, treatable disease - and one that everyone should be willing to discuss openly with their physician - it still goes largely untreated.

Assne sufferers go on 750,000 fewer total dates per year than the general population, either because their fear of being discovered stops them from pursuing others, or because their condition is known and it repulses unenlightened potential mates.

How can you help? Introduce yourself to people as an assne supporter. Tell them that you are there for anyone who wants to talk about their assne or a loved one's assne. Contact us here at TAFAA about volunteering opportunities.

Now is the time.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Thaddeus is preparing a brief

Thaddeus will be in court next month battling the German government over their ban on all below-the-waist applications of Proactiv® Solution. We have a responsibility to defend those with ass acne wherever they are being made to needlessly suffer, even if they are German.

Thaddeus knows the risks of a big case like this. We are unlikely to prevail. But we believe that this highly publicized case will cause other governments to think twice before restricting the use of assne medications. Already, members of the Austrian parliament have backed down from their proposed cuts in assne management programs in that country.

In other news, Bing-tak was present at the latest partner meeting, sitting comfortably in her chair with no wincing or side-to-side shifting of any kind. We are so pleased to see her disease in control. If she can do it, anyone can!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Yes, we are aware of the irony

Bing-Tak's recent flare-up of assne has left her unable to fulfill her important duties with the firm. The lengthy meetings that are part of the job entail sitting for long periods, something Bing-Tak could not do comfortably, and she chose to take a short leave rather than place the firm in an awkward situation.

On the surface, this may seem humorous - an attorney for ass acne laid low by the very disease she is defending around the world - but we assure you, none of us are laughing much. We wish her a speedy recovery, which, given the many effective treatments available today, is very likely.

Our work continues unabated. Talia left Thursday for Burkina Faso, where a medical trial was recently conducted in which thousands of innocent villagers were promised assne treatment but were given a placebo instead. We will not stand by while the rich profit off the suffering of the poor (and assne goes untreated). The 1000 units of Proactiv® Solution that Talia is bringing (airport security permitting) are just a start.

Hopefully, this will be the case that finally brings ass acne out of our bathrooms and into our hearts.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A cure for ass acne?

With many researchers saying that a cure for ass acne is on the horizon, we at the firm are urging caution. While we praise those who search to end the suffering of the afflicted, we do not wish to get assne sufferers' hopes up for yet another letdown. We will celebrate with millions of others if these claims turn out to be true but, in the meantime, we must continue with our mission.

We would also like to remind the public that there is currently only one new ass acne drug trial taking place in the world, and it is in Finland. Until moneys are made available for more basic research, this disease will continue to ravage delicate skin around the world, sometimes (though not always) resulting in permanent scarring.

Tell a friend.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A crisis for assne sufferers

Several HMOs are working to get ass acne reclassified so that plan doctors will not be required to consult with assne patients and guide them in their treatment. Since assne can be treated with OTC meds exclusively, the HMOs feel that patients do not need to see a doctor to successfully manage their disease. They want to treat ass acne like a sore throat or a minor burn.

Needless to say, we have leaped into this battle and we intend to fight to protect assne sufferers' right to a consultation with their doctor re: which unguents to apply and at what interval. Sometimes just following the instructions on the package is not enough.

Sore throats and minor burns are acute problems. Without proper treatment, assne can linger for months or years. Please call or write your representatives and let them know how important you feel this distinction is. Thank you.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Defending ass acne is not a right

It is a responsibility. Being legal counsel for ass acne has not been easy, but it is the path we have chosen. Mostly because it was what our fathers did, and we just took over the firm. Ass acne's legal battles have been many, and though we have lost every time, each trial has raised public awareness about ass acne, which is always a good thing.

Repulsive to touch, hideous to see, ass acne nonetheless is part of our lives and deserves our much-earned respect and fear.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Ass acne is serious, but not that serious

In our worldwide efforts to defend ass acne, we strive to strike a balance between portraying ass acne in a serious light and insisting that it is easily treatable and therefore not serious.

Perhaps we should say that the issues facing assne sufferers should be taken seriously, while at the same time we insist that ass acne is an easily treatable, potentially non-scarring disease.

As in any undertaking, our mission is constantly evolving, and our message must grow and change to reflect this evolution.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Success in Canada!

The Canadian government has agreed to make the three most effective unguents for assne available as part of the public health system. TAFAA played a major role in this victory, one that has not been mentioned in the international press. We met personally with over 300 Senators and members of Parliament to make our case. Many appeared moved by the plight of ass acne sufferers.

Bing-Tak was overjoyed when we told her of our success in Canada. Her book tour ends in two weeks, and she will return to head up three important cases. We look forward to her return.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Thaddeus' bold proposal

Thaddeus has proposed that all of us here at TAFAA go to Switzerland together in April for the International Acne Conference. Acne professionals from all over the world will be attending, and it would be a great opportunity for us to get our message out. The conference historically has focused on face, back, and leg acne, but through our efforts, we hope to get some attention for ass acne in the international acne community.

The offices will be closed for a week as we make this team showing in the EU. Wish us luck.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

We wish Bing-Tak all the best

Bing-Tak has left on a book tour to promote her new book Ass Acne: It's Not So Bad. In her absence, Thaddeus will be lead attorney on our next case in Canada, where the government has refused to take ass acne treatment seriously and has suggested that assne sufferers' needs can be fully met with over-the-counter ointments, unguents and salves. This is simply not true, and Thaddeus believes we can win the hearts and minds of the Canadian officials, so we are gathering our forces for an extended battle north of the border.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bing-Tak is back

And she is unironically kicking ass. She helped win a ruling in The Netherlands that will bring big changes for billen acne sufferers there. The Dutch government will think twice before it dismisses another transit employee for operating a tram standing up. Score one for Bing-Tak and ass acne!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Ass Acne receives national attention

We applaud the recent reference to ass acne in a key scene in the new movie Thumbsucker, which should not be interpreted as a recommendation to see the movie by the Attorneys for Ass Acne. In this key scene, ass acne was referred to colloquially as assne. We approve of the use of assne insofar as it raises awareness about ass acne in the general population. Thaddeus is conducting a field study to determine how widely used assne is among teens, tweens and the population as a whole so that we can determine whether we should adopt assne as our exclusive referent. The study should be complete in 3 to 5 years.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Our work continues

Everywhere ass acne is being slandered, and TAFJAA have been very busy defending it around the globe. We just opened a new office in Switzerland, and we have had several high-profile cases there. Bing-Tak in particular has been very vocal about upping the ante re: ass acne's image worldwide. She is a powerhouse! Look for her new book Ass Acne: It's Not So Bad on shelves September 23, 2005.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

re: The Bridges Account

Talia would like to remind certain parties that, per their arbitration agreement, they are not to refer to Him by name. As negotiated, the parties may refer to Him as Beau Bridges' brother.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Bridges Account Settled

Mr Bridges has complied fully with his arbitration settlement agreement, as he always does. He has not retained us for further services. He thanked us and asked that we again emphasize that he chose us solely for our reputations as attorneys and not for our relationship with our other client. Thank you.

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Bridges Account

Talia will be the point person on the Bridges account until Bing-Tak returns from Burkina Faso. One thing to emphasize: Just because we represent Mr. Bridges and ass acne in no way implies a connection between the two. Mr. Bridges wanted us to be very clear about that.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Ass Acne is More Common Than Shingles and Gout Combined (according to some studies)

We've been swamped here at the office due to a lot of recent ass acne activity. Whenever there is a rash of AA, we have to deal with a lot of negative press coverage. We don't like to repeat ourselves, but ass acne is nothing to be ashamed of!. There are those who would have the public believe that ass acne is something strange and rare, but that's just not so! Ass acne is incredibly common. You've probably had it yourself, and you may even have it right now.

Bing-Tak will be in Burkina Faso at The Ass Acne Awareness World Summit during the month of July. We are all looking forward to learning more and growing in our understanding of AA and in our ability as attorneys to defend ass acne in its many legal battles throughout the world.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The most treatable ailment known to man

Suing ass acne is often the first action most AA suffferers take. But as our experts have testified, ass acne is often due to behavioral elements which can be avoided. AA sufferers tend to sit on their asses all day, resulting in impacted pores and you-know-what.

In cases where AA is not due to behavior, there are a variety of OTC and prescription treatments that have been proven effective over many decades. Even scarring from AA has been successfully treated.

Many people endure years of unnecessary humiliation and live in constant fear of showing their ass and, frankly, it is all their fault. Help is out there. Seek the treatment you need.